The Real  Issue Under The Arguments

You know those fights that feel like they come out of nowhere?

One minute you’re discussing whose turn it is to do the dishes, and the next minute the living room is freezing over with silence, or someone is sleeping on the couch. The type of fight that leaves you thinking "how did it turn into this?"

Let me introduce you to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). 

EFT is a type of couples therapy that focuses on getting to the root of what those fights are *actually* about.

Most couples argue about the logistics (money, chores, parenting, who forgot to buy toilet paper). But EFT suggests that under every argument about logistics, there is an argument about connection. We fight about the dishes because having to ask for help a million times makes us feel unseen. Then we go silent because speaking up feels like we’re just going to be ignored all over again.

Often, couples get stuck in what therapists call a "pattern" or a "cycle." It usually looks like a "pursuer" and a "withdrawer." One person pushes for a reaction (pursues), and the other shuts down to keep the peace (withdraws). The more one pushes, the more the other hides. The more one hides, the more the other panics and pushes.

The magic of EFT is that it helps you hit the pause button and see what's happening in a different light. Instead of blaming your partner for "always being cold" or "always nagging," you start to see the vulnerable feelings underneath. Under that anger is usually hurt, fear, or a longing to feel close again. EFT helps couples learn to turn toward each other instead of away. When you can say "I’m not actually mad about the dishes; I’m mad because I miss you," your conflict "cycle" can finally start to change.

If you’re tired of having the same fight over and over and are ready to figure out what’s really going on, couples therapy (especially with an EFT lens) can help you hit the reset button. Contact Hilton Therapy to get started.