Recovering People Pleasers: A New Perspective on Boundaries

Let’s talk about something that might feel a little uncomfortable: setting boundaries.

If you are a member of the People Pleasers Club (welcome!), the word "boundary" probably sounds harsh. It might feel like you're building a wall to keep people out. You might worry that saying "no" means you're being selfish, rude, or letting people down.

But let's try on a new perspective: Boundaries aren't selfish. They are actually one of the most generous things you can do in a relationship.

Often, people pleasing starts as a survival mechanism. Maybe you learned early on that keeping the peace and making everyone else happy kept you safe. The problem is, when we say "yes" to everyone else, we are almost always saying "no" to ourselves. And that leads to resentment, burnout, and that feeling of being used up.

When you set a boundary, you are simply giving people a manual on how to love you well. You’re saying, "This is what I need to show up as my best self." 

It might sound like:

• "I can't talk right now, but I'd love to call you tomorrow."

• "I’m not able to take on that extra project, but I appreciate you thinking of me."

• "I need a 30-minute wind-down after work before I can be chatty."

Yes, people might be surprised at first. Systems (and relationships) don't like change. But eventually, your boundaries teach people how to treat you. They also give other people the chance to step up, rather than you always doing the stepping.

If you’re exhausted from over-giving and ready to reclaim your energy, let’s talk. Learning to set gentle, firm boundaries is a skill, and therapy is a great place to practice it without judgment. We’re happy to help!