How to Cope with Being Single When That Wasn’t Your Plan

So many people have dreamt about what it will be like to meet “The One” and settle down. You have an idea of this person, this relationship, in your head, and you can’t wait for it to happen. But what if it doesn’t?

Watching your friends and peers around you settle down is exciting, but can feel weird when you’ve always imagined that that would be you by now. It’s not like you haven’t tried to make your relationships work. After a certain point, you might start to think about giving up, moving on from the stress and chaos of dating and the pressure you put on yourself to find your person. 

At the same time, maybe there’s a part of you that isn’t ready to give up. After all, there’s no harm in trying a little bit longer and holding out hope. But it’s hard: the longer you hold out hope, the longer you can continue to feel let down. You want to know what will be best for you.

Being single when you don’t necessarily want to be is a complex situation. People who want a long-term partner but cannot seem to find them can often fluctuate between wanting to give up so they can move on, and wanting to hold out hope of finding what, or who, they’ve been looking for. We can look at this as an ambiguous loss: a type of loss in which there isn’t a clear way to find closure. Ambiguous losses can make it hard for people to grieve and move on, because they are often still looking for answers or clarity. In this case, you had an idea for what you thought your life might look like. You have an idea of a partner that has existed in your head, but they don’t yet exist in your life.

So how can you cope with this? What should you do?

1. Practice dialectical thinking. This means noticing that 2 opposite things can be true at once.

“I feel the burden of not having a partner right now, AND I can find ways to have a fulfilling life outside of a partnership”

“There are things I don’t like about being single, AND I enjoy certain parts about being single as well”

2. Find ways to fulfill other areas of your life.

Do you have a hobby or a way you enjoy spending your time?

Can you nurture other meaningful relationships in your life? Family, friends, or even volunteering might be good places to start finding fulfillment in other relationships

3. Give yourself permission to grieve

Remind yourself that it’s normal to feel disappointed and conflicted. Something that you truly thought would happen by now, hasn’t happened- that’s disappointing.

Let yourself be okay with the ambiguity. You don’t have to decide “once and for all” to give up on love. It’s okay not to have an answer right now.

4. Consider seeking additional support in a peer group or with a professional.

Whether you find support from a peer group or a therapist, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone!

Although therapists are not dating coaches or matchmakers, they are trained in helping people cope with complex situations and stress. It might be helpful to have a safe space to explore your feelings.

Navigating an ambiguous loss can be tricky. Know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are not “wrong”! Consider reaching out to Kate for more support.