Are You Dating Your "Type" or Just Your "Pattern"?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said, "Why do I keep attracting the same kind of person?!"

You know the type. Maybe it’s the typical emotionally unavailable player, the workaholic who never has time for you, or the person who lovebombs you for a month and then ghosts. We often joke about having a "type," but sometimes what we call a "type" is actually a "pattern," and this can be a big difference.

A type is a preference. Maybe you like tall people, or people with curly hair, or people who love hiking. A pattern, however, can be a subconscious pull toward a dynamic that feels familiar, even if that familiar dynamic is toxic.

Somehow, we tend to attract what’s familiar to us. We might even be trying to “get it right” this time around. If you had a parent who was hard to please, you might find yourself drawn to partners who are hard to please, hoping that this time you'll finally be enough to make them happy.

If you had a chaotic childhood, "calm" might feel boring to you. You might mistake anxiety for chemistry, mistaking the butterflies of panic for the butterflies of attraction.

Breaking the pattern starts with noticing it.

Without judgment, ask yourself:

What do my exes have in common? Is it their career, or is it how they made me feel? Was I always trying to prove my worth? Was I always waiting for them to call?

Once you see the loop, you can start to step out of it. Dating becomes less about finding someone who fits a certain mold and more about finding someone who fits your life and values.

Ready to break the cycle? Whether you’re single and dating or in a relationship that feels familiar for the wrong reasons, therapy can help you see the patterns so you can finally break out of them. We’re here to help.