About Attachment Styles

If you notice yourself repeating unhelpful patterns in your relationships, even with different partners, it can sometimes be helpful to explore your attachment style.

So, what exactly does that mean?

It can first be helpful to understand a little bit about attachment theory. In the 1950’s, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby theorized that a child’s attachment or bond with their caregivers forms a “template” for how they view connection in future relationships, even later on in life as an adult. 

Connection and attachment is necessary for survival. As infants and children, we look to our parents to soothe us, comfort us, and keep us safe. The way that our parents or caregivers respond to our needs and act toward us at an early age sets the stage for how we view and show up in close relationships later on. This can be categorized into attachment styles:

 -> If your parents consistently met your needs, recognized when you were distressed and cared for you in the way you needed, it is likely that you formed a secure attachment to them. You learned that people will show up for you, and that you can trust them.

– In an adult relationship, this may look like being able to balance independence and personal space with intimacy and closeness with your partner. 

 -> If your parents or caregivers inconsistently met your needs, you may have developed an anxious attachment style. If your parents sometimes soothed you when you cried, but other times let you self-soothe (intentionally or not), you may have learned that your parents are unpredictable in meeting your needs.

– In an adult relationship, this may look like fearing abandonment, or needing frequent reassurance from your partner.

 -> If as a child your parents were emotionally distant, or dismissed your needs, you may have developed an avoidant attachment style. You may have learned that you cannot (or don’t want to) count on others, and you must be highly-self sufficient and independent.

– In an adult relationship, this may look like prioritizing independence or avoiding emotional closeness. It may also look like withdrawing or leaving during conflict or when things feel too close.

 -> And finally, if as a child your caregivers were both a source of comfort and simultaneously a source of fear (such as in the case of trauma or abuse), you may have developed a disorganized attachment style. You learned to both desire and also fear emotional closeness

– In an adult relationship, this can look like traits of both an avoidant and an anxious attachment style. Your reaction to emotional closeness might be different one situation to the next, or your relationships patterns look “back and forth” or inconsistent.

So now that you know about attachment styles, what’s next?

• First, it’s important to know that there isn’t a “bad” attachment style. You formed these views on relationships based on your experience at a young age. So, the way you show up in relationships makes sense!

• Next, know that these are not rigid. You can have different attachments to different caregivers! Similarly, just because you identify with one attachment style, doesn’t mean you can’t show any secure traits at all. These attachment styles are general descriptions, not absolute definitions, so not all of the traits may apply to you.

• Finally, be aware that this is not a life sentence. If you decide you would like to do the work to change your attachment patterns, know that it is absolutely possible. You are not doomed to continue repeating patterns that you want to change!

Attending therapy can be a great way to start the process of identifying how you show up in relationships. If you’re interested in this topic, reach out to Kate today!